Man vs. Spirit

I hit this passage at the most optimal time. The Holy Spirit really gave me comfort through this passage and I feel I should share it.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

While running from God (beginning with a slow jog my sophomore year in high school, building up to a sprint through my sophomore/junior years here at Clemson, until my dead stop and 180 degree turn this past summer) I felt an intense spiritual battle going on around me. I have been saved since I was eight years old, but hardly ever had I pursued the Lord with passion and love. During my "run" from God I began to doubt. I began to doubt that He cared about me.

Why?

Because I could never hear His voice. I was so jealous of Moses, for God came to him so many times, in so many awe inspiring, and tangible ways. I wanted that. I wanted to know God that well - to see His greatness. For Him to speak to me.

But I never took the time to truly and passionately seek Jesus.

I never desired to read His Word - I just did it on a whim or when it felt right. I would read the Bible for a month straight, but then not touch it for three - except on Sundays.

I would put all these earthly and pointless obsessions in front of a Jealous God. That is, until He started to slowly strip them away from me, causing me to almost hit rock bottom. And as He stripped me away of talents and worldly joys, Satan planted seeds of doubt in my mind. Seeds of doubt that blossomed into more sin and more spiritual warfare. Causing me to stir, run cowardly from God's calling, and distrust God who I thought stopped talking to me. Who I thought left me. But, oddly enough, at the same time, I felt Him in me. Him trying to pull me out of the darkness that Satan and I brought myself into, and toward the light that was (and is) Jesus. Nevertheless, His longing felt faint and I interpreted that as Him not caring, or not trying to communicate with me.

When the truth is I stopped seeking Him. I stopped wanting a deep and meaningful relationship with Him. Why? Because it was easier to run then it was to follow Him. Because I could make my own rules, full well knowing that I was disobeying Him. Because following God is hard, it's not just a one day thing but a lifestyle, it's frightening, and straight up overwhelming. Following God is a daily commitment and a daily giving of your life to Him. That was something I just couldn't do. I couldn't daily live my life for God because I thought He had disappeared, moved on to someone else, & I thought that I wasn't important enough to hear the Lord.

How screwed up was I?

Let me be real. I have learned since June 3rd that if you want a relationship with God, you have to seek Him. It's a two way street just like every relationship we have. God always speaks to us, through the good and bad - through the running and the praising. The problem is, when we run, specifically, when I ran from God, He was speaking -I just couldn't hear Him. My eyes and ears where on the world around me - seldom on Him. I would justify my waywardness by using His gifts, but I was never passionate about spreading Jesus.

I was a selfish Christian. Jesus was for me. He saved me. I accepted that but never wanted to give back. I thought "people will see by my example," which was my dumb excuse for being lazy toward the Kingdom of God, my way of hiding from tough talks about Jesus, and my way of hiding from God. People do learn by example, but that example must have a right heart. My heart wasn't right. My heart wasn't on Jesus, but serving the world around me.

Now earlier when I said spiritual warfare, I spoke of this battle between Satan - his demons, all of Hell - and Jesus - his angels, all of Heaven. Now that's on a grand scale, and I'm sure individuals see and struggle in that spiritual war. The battle that took place in and around me is that of the man, Seth vs. the Holy Spirit. As I said, I didn't want to die daily of the man, the dreams, the worldly gifts and pleasures. There was this inner battle between me and the Holy Spirit, and the man was winning. It was sad. It felt wrong. But it was easy.

Seeking Jesus and a relationship is daily dieing to ourselves. Winning this spiritual battle within ourselves so that we may charge Hell with a Super Soaker SC (that's the one with the water pack on the back!). Daily laying down our lives for Christ so that He could use us to expand His Kingdom. Waking up, winning the battle, and praying "Yes Lord" before we even know the question.

This is something we all struggle with - I do daily. Some of us admit it. Some of us don't. Some don't feel it because the Deceiver either already has you where I was or you aren't doing anything to grow the Kingdom of God, so why should he bother. But the battle is there, its real, and its dangerous.

Who do you die for? Yourself, your dreams, the world, OR Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Truth?

* I wrote this on Sunday, but didn't feel right publishing it. Last night in my time with God, I realized why He didn't want me too. Check it:

"So, I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desire what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law."
Galatians 5: 16-18

Check the rest of chapter 5 to see what the "acts of the sinful nature are" and the "fruits of the Spirit."